Perhaps the star of Wednesday night’s debate between vice presidential nominee Sen. Kamala Harris (D-Calif.) and Vice President Mike Pence was the housefly who managed to evade security and land on Pence’s head.
While other outlets interviewed Pence and Harris, The Minority Report managed to score an exclusive interview with the show-stealing housefly.
The Minority Report: Hi, I want to thank you for taking some time to talk to us. Can we begin by getting your full name, your age and where you’re from?
FLY: No problem. My name is Frederick Lumumba Younger from Washington, D.C. I’m 43.
TMR: Wow, you look good for 43 years old.
FLY: Nah, bruh; I’m 43 days old, which is pretty good for a fly. We only live for 5o days, at most. But you know what they say: “Black don’t crack.” That’s why they call me DC Young Fly.
TMR: Wait…you know there’s a comedian who goes by the name of DC Young Fly, right?
FLY: Yeah…I heard that. I had beef at first because he’s not even from DC. But then I checked him out on the 85 South Show and he was pretty funny so I decided not to call up my murder hornet homies and tell them to pull up on him. I don’t participate in Black-and-yellow-on-Black crime. Plus, I like his music.
TMR: Wait…how do you listen to music?
TMR: Makes sense. Anyway, why did you decide to come to the debate? And why did you land on Mike Pence’s hair and not Kamala Harris’?
FLY: Nigga, are you crazy? Do you know what a Black woman will do if you mess up her hair? I don’t play with my life like that! Plus, Sen. Harris is a member of Alpha Kappa Alpha.
TMR: Oh, you were scared she was going to do that head shake thing that AKAs do? I can see how that could be scary.
FLY: Nah, that’s not it. I’m a member of Alpha Fly Alpha, so I wouldn’t bother my sister like that. It’s just a respect thing. Also, I need to clear something up:
That wasn’t my first time meeting Mike Pence. We go way back to when he was governor of Indiana and he refused to prosecute the unjust execution of my cousin.
TMR: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. How did your cousin die?
FLY: Remember when Pence was governor of Indiana and he supported federal funding for gay conversion therapy? Well, who do you think they test those experimental treatments on?
My cousin Martin McFly was detained in a government detention center and used in experiments. They tried to say he was an undocumented immigrant but he had his flypapers! These extrajudicial killings disproportionately affect the BIPOC* community. And, believe me, you don’t want to know what they will do to a Spanish fly.
*Bugs, Insects, Pests and Other Cooties.
TMR: Is this why you crashed the debate?
FLY: Yes! Someone has to bring up the violence inflicted on my people. Every time we protest, they call up SWAT teams; they gas us; they put us in prisons. That’s why I showed up at the debate. I wanted Pence to say our names.
Black Flies Matter!
TMR: So it was a protest?
FLY: Not exactly. I’m trying to get on the ballot as a third-party candidate. I want to represent the interests of all insects, not just flies.
We need to discuss why Africanized bees are criminalized as “killer bees.” These brave men and women just want to do their job and go home. America is all too willing to enjoy the flowers they pollinate, but as soon as one or two bees sting someone, they want to blame it on all bees. I’m tired of seeing this oppression. Male bees don’t even have stingers! But every 28 hours, countless unarmed worker bees are slaughtered for no reason.
But they don’t have it as bad as my roach brothers. They are vilified for no reason. Have you ever heard of anyone being killed by a roach? How many roaches have you ever seen carrying a gun or a knife? But as soon as we move into a good neighborhood, they start attacking us. And the same goes for termites, ants, bedbugs, mosquitoes and even spiders.
They call it “pest control,” but we know they fear us.
TMR: So your platform is just based on violence against insects?
FLY: No, there are other issues, too. We want reparations.
My brothers and sisters in the honeybee community deserve to be compensated for centuries of slavery on honey plantations. Corporations like Sue Bee and Burt’s Bees used our free labor to make billions. The pharmaceutical industry uses fruit flies to test medicine and the fruit and vegetable industries depend on us for cross-pollination. They still haven’t paid my Uncle Ben for using his likeness for years!
TMR: Wait…I thought this was about insects. How are you related to the man on the rice package?
FLY: No, not that Uncle Ben, I’m talking about my Uncle Benjamin Buzz, the mascot for Honey Nut Cheerios. General Mills stopped using his face to sell its product after realizing it was tasteless. But his family still lives in a one-bedroom honeycomb. Meanwhile, those entitled bastards who call themselves “red delicious” take home millions from Apple Cinnamon Cheerios. Now, cinnamon is made from tree bark but what would they do if my people went on strike and stopped pollinating apple trees and oat plants? Do you know what they call cinnamon Cheerios without apple flavoring?
TMR: No, what do they call it?
TMR: So you were there to talk about violence and income inequality.
FLY: No, I want to talk about how housing inequality. You think we just prefer to live behind refrigerators and in literal garbage dumps? Most of my homies can’t afford to live in nice neighborhoods, so they end up checking into temporary housing. Now, I’m not saying the roach motels aren’t nice. I’ve never been in one but, for some reason, when roaches check in, they don’t check out.
And the education system is trash. Did you know that 99 percent of all bees and ants drop out of high school? That’s why so many of us work construction jobs.
You kill us and then you try to be like us. I’m tired of this cultural appropriation.
TMR: Wait, what? Who culturally appropriates insects?
FLY: Ask Peter Parker. Ask Nicki Minaj and 2Chains where they first heard “Beez in the Trap.” Who were the Killa Bees before Wu-Tang Clan? The Beatles? Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers?
You know what they say: “Everyone wants to be fly but no one wants to be a fly.”
And that’s why I wanted to tell Mike Pence how much I admire him and to tell him to his face how much he and Donald Trump inspire me.
TMR: Wait? I thought you hated Mike Pence?
FLY: No dummy, I don’t hate him. Sure, he’s a racist, bigoted right-wing liar who killed my cousin but I don’t live long enough to hold grudges. My only goal in life is to do as much for my people as the Trump administration has done for white people.
I’ve watched how they handled the coronavirus, the economy and the country a whole. If he’s re-elected, they are right on track to wipe out all the human beings and we will finally get our chance to rule this country!
TMR: Oh, shit…Wait…Don’t tell me you’re one of those Proud Flys!
FLY: That’s right, I’m a flight supremacist!
You can’t stop the alt-mite movement! We are the true rulers of the…
At this point of the interview, Sen. Kamala Harris entered the room holding a flyswatter.
KH:: Jesus, do I have to do everything around here?
FLY: What’s she doing here? And what’s that in her hand? Wait, is that a flyswatter? No… Noo…Beelzebub will make you pay!
FLY: No, Mike Pence—The “Lord of the Flies!”
KH: (swinging fly swatter): Splat Lives Matter!